Self perceptions

Youve looked at yourself in a mirror before. Youve studied your face.. looked for those tiny imperfections. Looked for your best characteristics. Studied the parts of you that others have said were your best characteristics. And what have you seen?

You’ve done the same thing with your inner self – your personality as well as your traits and talents. You’ve reflected. You’ve studied. You’ve probably come to some judgment, one way or another, about yourself, based off of your own perceptions as well as the perceptions of others. What have you found?

Unless you are a narcissist, you have found some things that you like and others that you don’t. But how reliable is your self perception as well as the judgments of others? And then what about your own contradictory opinions of yourself? We are all fragile and imperfect creatures, likely to change at the drop of a hat based off of what we have seen or discovered in our world – likely your own opinion will change over time – then what?

Ive often found myself in these situations. I am a fairly talented artist, and a more than fairly talented vocalist. I not only draw from my own experience but from the experience of others experiencing my talents. On one level, I do view myself as very competent in these areas, and I enjoy reveling in them, and I enjoy getting compliments from others, but at the same time, I sometimes hold myself to a highly critical view. Whenever I listen to myself singing, for example, I always cringe because of all the flaws that come out when I actually sit and reflect on my art. This makes me wonder if I just have a misconstrued idea of my own talents, if people might be lying to me or padding my ego for my own benefit, if they are just untrained and don’t really know what level my talents at, or if my perception of what is good or desirable is just off.

Over time, I have come to realize which of these answers is correct about me and I have been trying to integrate it into my life since then. But it just makes me wonder – how many other things might your perceptions be “off” about? Are you truly seeing everything about yourself through clear lenses, or is it through rose colored lenses – or even pessimism? Try reflecting a bit, as well as asking those closest around you what you might be missing – you might just be able to piece together a more accurate representation of yourself in your mind’s eye.

among other things

So at the beginning of this month I decided to try to take on two things – writing in this blog every single day for the month, as well as starting to write a novel for the month. While I have been doing well with NaBloPoMo.. The latter, not so much. I have written about a page and a half. Although I am pretty sure I will not be finished with it by the end of the month, I am still very interested in finishing it because I like the prospect of finishing a novel. I mean, who can say that they have successfully written one? Many people dream of doing this but never actually fulfill it, and I want to be someone who does carry through with their dreams.

Another thing that I have thought of doing this month is No Shave November. Why might you ask? Because a ton of my friends are doing it, and because I have never grown a beard. Im not even sure I can grow a beard. I am almost 20 years old and there are 16 year olds who can grow better beards than I can. What IS this? It is madness! Regardless, I started the month and didnt shave for about a week, and I decided that if I felt like it, I might as well go for the month. I just might do it. Just to see if I can. It will be totally epic.

This semester of school is almost over and I am incredibly excited.. just have to finish November and then the beginning of December. Afterwards I have break for a month! I cannot wait.. maybe I will be able to finish the novel over break. Who knows..

Beauty

Beauty. What is it? No, really – what is it to be beautiful? Is that daffodil, over there yonder, beautiful? How about that tree, full of fall leaves; is that beautiful? Or how about that river, slightly snaking, or that canyon, so subtilely crafted? Is beauty the rush of the wind through your hair as you race down an abandoned freeway, or is it the warmth of your lover in bed? A free-fall from the skies, or well written prose on the couch? The list goes on, but the question remains unanswered – what is it? And what does it look like in a person?

Our culture has answered this question with its increasingly inhuman models and the infamous use of photoshop. Only humans who look like this, and dress like that, and are this tall, this thin, and have eyes with exactly this much width between them can truly be beautiful. Truly?

What is ugliness? Is it really that mangy dog, over there yonder, with his wild eyes? How about that broken down house, full of loose boards; is that ugly? Or how about that old woman, fully wrinkled, or that insect, so completely alien? Is ugliness the void you feel when you know that you are completely alone, or is it the ache in your heart when you know you have completely lost her due to your own mistakes? A backstabbing friend at work, or an unsolved homicide case in the city? The list goes on, but this question has definitely been answered – ugliness is everywhere. And people have given it plenty of names.

Why cant we as a people put down what we have “absorbed” through cultural rendering and really take a look at the things around us? Why cant we see the miracle in things that might not be, at first, pleasing to the eye? Isnt that one girl just as beautiful as the other? They are both breathing the gift of life, both beautiful crafted by the creator of the universe, and both designed with unique purposes in mind. If you would truly open your eyes, you would realize that not one reaches perfection, and we are all adorned with flaws – that our media has become so obsessed with beauty that it creates unrealistic images of it – “perfect” images of it, which end up being cut and paste versions of an actual model’s face – says that we have strayed far from the reality in which we live. Flaws should be celebrated. We are all beautifully different, all beautifully imperfect, and all beautifully cherished by our maker. So if he cherishes every single soul, regardless of how they might “look,” because he can see their true beauty reflected in their souls, then cannot we do the same? Go beyond and really recognize the beauty of things that are not? If only we could realize the opportunities and chances in life that this would open up to us as a whole. It would unshackle us from our slavery to the Image, and it would help us focus on more important things such as actually helping others.

So free your mind from your conventional ideas of beauty and ugliness and realize that everything has the spark of beauty in it.

Those who have eyes to see, let them see.

Talented people

In my life, God has blessed me with so much talent. From arts, to academics, to music, and more, my life is filled with God-given talents. I am SO thankful for this – I really dont know who I would be if I had never gotten involved in music because that IS who I am, for example.

On top of this, I am so thankful for all of the talented people God has put around me. While some may not think of themselves as talented in any one area, all my friends are so unique and gifted in one way or another. From physical prowess such as martial arts, to arts, photography, and music, to academics, to even emotional intelligence, and the list goes on. Looking around myself, I see the talent of our very Creator in the lives of his people, and how much more beautiful must his talents be for all of us to possess so great of gifts? I love being surrounded by these people because it reminds me to keep striving to do better in my own gifts and to always appreciate the gifts of others, no matter how great or small – EVERYONE has something to offer, and EVERYONE has a purpose on this planet that only they can fulfill.

Friends

What is a friend? People throw this term around so loosely nowadays that I think the true definition of it has become lost on us. Is it really someone that you have just met? Someone that you see every so often at a workplace or school, but not elsewhere? Or is it something more? Lets look at the definition of the word.

friend |frend|
noun
a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

Now Im not sure about you, but when I think of a mutual bond of affection, the people who I relate to at school are not the first ones that come to mind. Granted, I am not hateful towards them, nor hostile, and I sometimes look forward to seeing them because I am otherwise bored, but really – a mutual bond of affection? I am not sure I would go that far. Typically, another word better fits that category of people: acquaintance, or a person one knows slightly, but who is not a close friend. Now THAT makes much more sense for these friends whom you have shared some personal information, are on a first name basis, but that you dont really “do” things.

I recognize that to say there are only two categories of relationships that do not fall into the romantic level is ignorant, and I am not saying that. There are multiple levels of relationships, and even some grey areas. Other types of people I would consider are those “buddies” that you hang out with and have fun with, as well as those that you consult for advice because you trust them and their opinions, as well as those that you are the closest, that “friend” just doesnt come close to describing your level of intimacy with that person.

So on a scale or continuum, you might say that you can go from being a stranger, to an acquaintance, to a buddy, to an advisor, to a close friend.

I just happen to think that people mistake their acquaintances with their friends. I mean, with all the gratification that the American society demands of our lives these days, and for all its political correctness, it would be unfair or even mean to refer to someone as JUST an acquaintance.. right? Where are all of our true friends these days, those that we can really rely on in our moment of need, those that if we had a problem we could call up at three in the morning and vent to if needed? Those friends that would not care if you walked into their house and browsed their fridge because you are just that close?

Our society and culture has made it difficult to really grasp and appreciate and form those kinds of friendships with others because of how it leaves us vulnerable to others, and what worse condition to be in with another person? If they were to have power over our lives, it means that we are left powerless and if they were to ever hurt us, what would we be able to do about it? Theres that age old quote that goes something like this: “It is better to have loved and lost, than to not have known love at all.” That is something I truly believe but something for which I find a lack of in our culture. People are too afraid to let their true selves shine and really give themselves over to their friends around them.

This has just been something Ive been contemplating lately because of various happenings in my life. I was with some friends at the local Caribou the other day, and we were talking about music and discussing it, when one of them said that we three should get together and hang out some time. I replied that it would be fun since I generally do a lot of nothing in my free time, to which they laughed and agreed, saying I was either always at Caribou, school, work, or my sisters. “It’s true, I have no friends around here” was my reply, kind of laughing it off, especially after they both looked at me and said “Hello?”, but really, that is how I sometimes feel. Most all of my good friends have gone off to college and are in the process of making a new groups of friends that they hang out with, and while I have kept in contact with them and things remain fine with them, when there is a large distance between you, it makes it hard to remain close until they come home and you can catch up. What do you do in the interim? Yes, I have “friends” here at home that I have made in the absence of the rest of my friends. Yes I have a good bond of mutual affection with them. But I feel like I am at a loss for those really deep friendships at this present time. My friends I was with at Caribou are my friends, and they did mention the idea of hanging out, but realistically, if I were to ever want to hang out with any of these friends, it seems to me that I have to put in all the effort. I have to make the phone calls. I have to make the plans. I have to do the asking. Otherwise, they already have groups of close good friends that they generally talk to on a regular basis and hang out. I am not someone who really comes up to the forefront of their minds when they think on a random boring day, “Hmm, who should I call to hang out with?” And while that is fine and dandy, and I hold nothing against them for it, it makes my life a bit bland, and gives me an awful lot of time to “reflect” on my own life. If only friends could be better friends.

“Scary movies”

So, these days when a new scary movie comes out, what do you expect? What people would have told you from just two decades ago to now is probably something extremely different. Back then, scary movies were considered deeply “thrilling;” something that left you completely on the edge of your seat, ready to jump at any second for whatever loomed around the corner. Nowadays? Scary movies have been reduced to gore fests where if you dont see a person’s viscera getting ripped out every other second, it was too dull of a movie. What engendered this change? And why? Has the attitude of the average person really gone in such a negative direction?

With the recent advent of movies, from Saw to Saw VI that just came out a weekend or two ago, I have seriously started to doubt the consideration of an average person. Seriously. Who deemed it entertaining to watch people getting split apart, mutilated, and killed in an incredibly unseemly matter, before our very eyes?? I know my opinion may be very “conservative,” but I dont really care. Movies such as Saw must have come from a deranged mind – who else would view that as entertainment – something to be taken so lightly – and yes, I know it is not “real,” but with the incredible advances in filming technology and special effects, do you REALLY think you believe that while youre watching a movie? If you have ever felt that thrill, the exhilaration, the fear when watching one of those movies, you have definitely considered it real enough for your body to be producing those emotions. Think about what that does to you as a person. Ever choice you make changes you. Every single choice. What goes in, comes out, in one way or another, and if what youre putting in is essentially Torture Porn, what does that imply about what is swimming around in your head on a daily basis? Sure, it might start as just being desensitized to violence, but even so, something so “small” as that is incredibly disconcerting, especially if you would be forced to make a decision based off of some violent act and how you interpreted it. I dont know. It just really bothers me.

Another thing that bothers me is a movie like Paranormal Activity. Yes, another movie that, while not a gore fest, delivers entertainment at the cost of your mind. Again, me being my conservative self thinks that movies such as this are incredibly disturbing. I was talking to a bunch of my psychology classmates the other day about the movie and one girl mentioned why it was so bad since it is not really “real.” She was talking about ghosts. Well, Ill give you that. I dont believe in ghosts either. But demons and supernatural affairs are no laughing matter. She described a time when she had stayed in a house that was supposedly haunted with the rest of her family and she would wake up with bruises all up and down her leg, among other strange phenomenon to the rest of the family, but she refused to believe that something like that could have been in response to that supernatural presence, because if she cant see it, it is not real. That is the first step to ignorance. And the first step to letting those very supernatural beings into your life – when you become so deluded as to think that they arent really real, they have already won the fight. But back to the topic at hand. The movie deals with this spirit eventually possessing the women and killing her boyfriend and then disappearing, herself. Why would anyone watch something like that? In my opinion, it’s like inviting those forces into your life by saying that you dont take them seriously. The person who found those tapes and decided to use them to make a movie surely has a disturbed sense of humor.

Why good ol’ Hitchcock movies arent good enough anymore is beyond me.

Family

Are you close with your family? I think that families these days are getting a bad rap and that is partially due to the fact that people aren’t spending any time with them anymore. They’re underrated and under-appreciated. Something to be found annoying and thought to be overbearing. But these are all the negative attributes. What about the positives? I love my family and I love spending time with them, especially with my sister. Family is always supposed to be there for you. They understand where you have come from and will be with you as you go into the future. They helped you in your times of need and cooked you meals when you were hungry.

My own experience is pretty positive. I mean, yes, I have had ups and downs and I can get pretty fired at my mom when I feel like she is trying to “protect” me from something that I feel like I dont need protecting from, but they always have the best in heart for me. Me and my sister have always been pretty tight, and I consider her to pretty much be my best friend because we have so many inside jokes, so many shared experiences, so many shared likes, and we can crack up over the most mundane things. She has helped shape my experiences in life and has helped me become a better person as well as help me find my desires and dreams. I totally love her with all my heart and couldnt imagine my life without her.

Ive always found it unfortunate when a person has a sibling that they are detached from or parents that are estranged from them because of some 10 year old fight or misunderstanding. They are the people who you usually have the most in common with, and to be at odds with them just seems like a waste of time and effort when you could get along and be so much happier. Family is one of the main things in my life that I truly cherish and am happy to have – something that I hope to keep a part of my life no matter what direction my story might take.

NaBloPoMo?

So, I was sitting here just browsing my Facebook page when I got a message from one of my old internet friends. They asked me if I still blogged and then proceeded to tell me about how it was NaBloPoMo (or the National Blog Posting Month) and that I should check it out.. since it started today.

Well, Charity, not only do I still write blogs occasionally, but I know I can do a blog post every day (which is the requirement), because of how I did it back in either March or April of this year. Huzzah!

Actually, I had seen that my cousin and his wife were going to attempt NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I was very interested in what that was, because I had never heard of it, but I HAD heard of NaBloPoMo through Charity. She inadvertently explained to me what the former was through one of her status posts, and while I am now going to attempt the latter, I think out of pure spite for my fingers, I am going to attempt the novel as well. Go me!

Regardless, I am not exactly sure WHAT I will be writing about for the next month besides my own random rambling. Maybe I will come up with a theme in the next day – hmm? Maybe I will force myself into writing a new poem for every single day. Hah, I have no idea. But onto something with some meaning:

My day was excellent. I went to church, and we saw our last sermon on “iSin: And What To Do About It,” then I went and ate some Panda Express, to which I went to my sister’s house and snuggled with my nephew for a few hours which was awesome, and then we went to a friend’s house and showed off the baby to some other people, came back to her house, watched a movie, and we are now just browsing the TV. All in all, a fun day. I work tomorrow. Oh, the bliss. Well, at least I got my first post in, rather late in the day. Hopefully I will have something even more interesting to write about tomorrow!

Time

Time is supposed to heal wounds, but when all they do is scar over, with that tender tissue all that is between the harsh reality and the soft underbelly, what is one supposed to do? Something so thin could never be so permanent as to protect forever…

I wish it could be different.

In dire need of an update

So heres the jig.
I never went to Millikin. Halfway through the summer I decided to change my major to English Education. Im still at Kish (oh, woe is me), and I think Im just going to finish up and get my Associates Degree. Afterwards, I believe I will transfer to U of I and pursue my degree. I have realized lately, however, that my desire for knowledge is extremely overwhelming. Ive had thoughts about pursuing, instead, a double major in English AND Music Ed, while also working on minors in Spanish and Psychology.

Here are my reasons:
English Ed; I am a great writer. While I may not always display this in my blogs (this IS just a personal site, not a place to prepare incredible pieces or masterpiece essays), I really am. And I love to write, and wish I would do so more often. Besides that, I am also a lover of books. They are simply amazing and I love to read regularly. I love to critique other people’s writings, and if I would teach Humanities at a high school (for example, my high school had Humanities classes, not English) it would incorporate other areas that I love – medieval and renaissance time periods, as well as art. Also, it is a pretty available job.
Music Ed; While this was my first major, I opted to take English over it. Now it has slightly returned to Major ground, yet it will be after English is completed… I love, love, love music. If anything, this might become a Vocal Performance major and not an Education major. I just want to sing. Sing, sing, sing, and sing some more. And I am so jealous of people who are pursuing that goal. My dream life would include me going to broadway and singing for a bit there before coming home and being a teacher for the rest of my life. How amazing would that be? But yes, if anything, music WILL be a minor of mine so that I can put my foot in some way into the music area of the school that I teach at. I WILL help, there are no questions, hah.
Spanish; In high school, I took two years of spanish, and then quit. Just so I could get it out of the way for requirements. I wasnt too bad at it, really. Granted, I never really studied it or took it intensely to heart because my interest didnt lie there. Ive forgotten quite a bit of what I learned in it since then. Im taking a spanish course right now, and a lot of it feels a bit like review – an “oh yes, I remember learning that” sort of thing. Ive realized that I would LOVE to be bilingual and it would be an amazing skill to have, going into a teaching degree. It would also make me much more hirable, and with how things are trending, most everyone should be learning at least a little spanish since Caucasian people are becoming a minority in the States.
Psychology; Ive always harbored a deep love of psychology. I actually considered majoring in it before Music came on the scene. I love understanding why people do the things they do, and the reasons behind the myriad of human behavior. I never decided to pursue that because to have a chance in getting a decent amount of cashflow from a decent job, most Psych majors end up having to get their Masters. Something I didnt want to do at the time for psych. But the love is back, with the Psychology class Im taking. Being a cognitive, psychodynamic, or behavior psychologist would be so freaking cool, but Ill settle for the minor. Besides, this too would be a great asset to have plastered on the side of my major because of how well it relates, from understanding the psyches kids to knowing how to best teach to them so they learn.. Yknow, great all around.

And heres a reason for all of them. I just love to learn. Learning is my thing I think. If I could get paid to go to college forever, and just take classes to learn? I would totally do it.

So that is my overall life update. The summer went great. I loved hanging with all my friends who had come back from college. But theyre off again, and Im still here. My job has been good too. I worked full time over the summer, and now I am back to three days a week like when I first started. I think that job will be ending around the end of October, but Im not exactly sure as no one has really told me anything. Who knows, maybe Ill be surprised and it will be through the winter, but Im not so sure. It would resume in March or so if it did end though. What else. Im taking 18 credits of classes at kish. Thats a fun one. Here are my classes, which I attend Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8am-4:45pm: Intro Statistics, Spanish I, Intro to Lit, British Literature Middle Ages-1800s, Racial and Ethnic Problems, and Psychology. Fun schedule. Lots of reading. It is definitely keeping me busy. Oh, and my sister’s baby is due on October 21st! So close! I cant wait, haha, but Im still kind of nervous. Well see what happens.

Signing off, yo.