So tired.

So lately I feel like Ive been on overdrive with just everything Ive been doing. Not enough time for all of the different activities Im up to. From school, to work, to family and friends.. it just feels a bit much right now. For the past 3 months, the most common adjective people have used to describe me whenever they see me is “tired”. Gah. I just wish I could take a step back from life and just relax and do what I REALLY wanted to do for a week or two. That would be so nice. My job is suppose to start getting a bit more relaxed in the next month or so, and Im kind of hoping Ill get to lose some hours till March, if not all hours. School is a pain all by itself, without work being thrown into the mix.

On another note, I cannot WAIT for the 23rd of this month. Three CDs that I want come out on that day, and Im pretty hyped for it. Adam Lambert, Kris Allen, and Lady Gaga. It shall be pretty awesome. And Switchfoot’s album came out on the 9th, and Flyleaf’s album on the 10th. I got Flyleaf’s but need Switchfoot’s.. let alone the Relient K CD that came out a month ago. Sooo much music that I want, haha.

Choices

Youve made choices that you end up not being happy with. From buying a new fad, to getting what you thought looked like a tasty morsel, we have all suffered remorse from choices weve made, both materialistically, and morally. Lately it feels like Ive been making some pretty bad choices in my life, and I havent really been able to dig myself out of the hole. Its been going on for a month and a half now, and quite honestly it feels like Im drowning in my own apathy sometimes. I need to change what Im doing in order to move on, but those choices just seem to be too “difficult” for me sometimes, even though I know I am quite capable of making them. It often leaves me with this empty feeling in my gut because I am not as close to God as I would like to be – which makes it even more difficult because I am involved in a lot of church activities that make me reflect on these decisions quite often. I really do need a swift boot kick to really get me re-energized. Ive been chugging on fumes lately, and its not the healthiest thing for me. I probably need to get more sleep in general, and then think more clearly on a few issues in my life. I dont know, well see what happens. I just want to move closer to God right now.

Feel like youve been making some crappy decisions? I challenge you to reflect on them and try to understand WHY you have been making them, what advantages or lack thereof they give to you, and then decide if your life is really better with those decisions. Thats what I really need to do, even know I know the end answer.

Poetry

Poetry. When I was younger I was not that big a fan of it at all. I think that is mostly because I didnt give it a chance. I never really thought about it, and I think I thought it kind of a ‘feminine’ art form, and I had more important things to think about at the time, so I just went to default and would say, “Poetry? I dont like it.” Why? Because it just didnt “vibe” with me. Or something like that. How lame a response, huh?

Well, lately that has changed quite dramatically in my life. Starting at some point last year (I think, haha.. maybe it was October or November of last year, which is my best guess) I decided to start to try my hand at writing lyrics for songs, which if you havent really noticed, are pretty much lines of poetry which music added to them. Well, while my ability at writing musical verse didnt really take off, I found myself enjoying the art of writing poetry. Why? Because it is fun. It expands my horizons, and it helps me work my literary talent as well. I love to write and it is a different way for me to keep my skills keen and my vocabulary large. It is something that even more lately I have been doing quite a bit more. In the last few days Ive written at least one poem every day, which is kind of crazy, haha. But I love doing it, and I hope to continue to get better at it.

So in the future, when you havent tried something, dont automatically assume that you wont like it. Try it. It might become one of your favorite activities, for all you know.

Longing for Abuse?

Crimson Longing

“So many times, so many times
I thought I had found the way
And so many times, so many times
I found myself far more astray

This life of mine, its full of pride,
too much in fact to let it get by
I twist, and search and reach for light
but in the end, all I want to do is hide

Ive come so close, so close it seems
to the way, to the right, to the life of my dreams
yet each time I reach, my own hand retreats
for my bones cannot bear the burn of the bleach.

I desire to be free from these,
the chains Ive strung round me,
how then may I break the bonds
that encrouch upon my soul?

Why, bleach do you sting at my gall?
My bones cannot partake you for quite so long,
yet my thirst I must quench with your sulfuric crush,
for it bleeds me dry, that heavenly lust

Long are the hours of the night I hold dear,
may my temerity hold off the core of my fears,
for I hear its whisper, oh its dreadful call,
thirsting in the twilight, a most livid withdraw’l”
(c) Jared Moore

Be innovative

People these days are not thinking outside the box too much, I feel. Society as a whole is becoming more and more stupid the past few decades because of our reliance on technology. Need to remember something? Dont fret, just look it up online really quickly. You dont have to memorize it, which, by the way, is incredibly healthy for you to do. Nope, all of the world’s information is right at your fingertips.

People need to think outside the box; they need to come up with new ideas; they need to be fresh, they need to learn, and they need to to be smart. There is definitely not enough of it these days.

This kind of goes hand in hand when looking for something to do with your friends as well. Nothing to do, huh? Think of something fun, crazy, and out of the ordinary. The only thing stopping you is your own imagination.

Self perceptions

Youve looked at yourself in a mirror before. Youve studied your face.. looked for those tiny imperfections. Looked for your best characteristics. Studied the parts of you that others have said were your best characteristics. And what have you seen?

You’ve done the same thing with your inner self – your personality as well as your traits and talents. You’ve reflected. You’ve studied. You’ve probably come to some judgment, one way or another, about yourself, based off of your own perceptions as well as the perceptions of others. What have you found?

Unless you are a narcissist, you have found some things that you like and others that you don’t. But how reliable is your self perception as well as the judgments of others? And then what about your own contradictory opinions of yourself? We are all fragile and imperfect creatures, likely to change at the drop of a hat based off of what we have seen or discovered in our world – likely your own opinion will change over time – then what?

Ive often found myself in these situations. I am a fairly talented artist, and a more than fairly talented vocalist. I not only draw from my own experience but from the experience of others experiencing my talents. On one level, I do view myself as very competent in these areas, and I enjoy reveling in them, and I enjoy getting compliments from others, but at the same time, I sometimes hold myself to a highly critical view. Whenever I listen to myself singing, for example, I always cringe because of all the flaws that come out when I actually sit and reflect on my art. This makes me wonder if I just have a misconstrued idea of my own talents, if people might be lying to me or padding my ego for my own benefit, if they are just untrained and don’t really know what level my talents at, or if my perception of what is good or desirable is just off.

Over time, I have come to realize which of these answers is correct about me and I have been trying to integrate it into my life since then. But it just makes me wonder – how many other things might your perceptions be “off” about? Are you truly seeing everything about yourself through clear lenses, or is it through rose colored lenses – or even pessimism? Try reflecting a bit, as well as asking those closest around you what you might be missing – you might just be able to piece together a more accurate representation of yourself in your mind’s eye.

among other things

So at the beginning of this month I decided to try to take on two things – writing in this blog every single day for the month, as well as starting to write a novel for the month. While I have been doing well with NaBloPoMo.. The latter, not so much. I have written about a page and a half. Although I am pretty sure I will not be finished with it by the end of the month, I am still very interested in finishing it because I like the prospect of finishing a novel. I mean, who can say that they have successfully written one? Many people dream of doing this but never actually fulfill it, and I want to be someone who does carry through with their dreams.

Another thing that I have thought of doing this month is No Shave November. Why might you ask? Because a ton of my friends are doing it, and because I have never grown a beard. Im not even sure I can grow a beard. I am almost 20 years old and there are 16 year olds who can grow better beards than I can. What IS this? It is madness! Regardless, I started the month and didnt shave for about a week, and I decided that if I felt like it, I might as well go for the month. I just might do it. Just to see if I can. It will be totally epic.

This semester of school is almost over and I am incredibly excited.. just have to finish November and then the beginning of December. Afterwards I have break for a month! I cannot wait.. maybe I will be able to finish the novel over break. Who knows..

Beauty

Beauty. What is it? No, really – what is it to be beautiful? Is that daffodil, over there yonder, beautiful? How about that tree, full of fall leaves; is that beautiful? Or how about that river, slightly snaking, or that canyon, so subtilely crafted? Is beauty the rush of the wind through your hair as you race down an abandoned freeway, or is it the warmth of your lover in bed? A free-fall from the skies, or well written prose on the couch? The list goes on, but the question remains unanswered – what is it? And what does it look like in a person?

Our culture has answered this question with its increasingly inhuman models and the infamous use of photoshop. Only humans who look like this, and dress like that, and are this tall, this thin, and have eyes with exactly this much width between them can truly be beautiful. Truly?

What is ugliness? Is it really that mangy dog, over there yonder, with his wild eyes? How about that broken down house, full of loose boards; is that ugly? Or how about that old woman, fully wrinkled, or that insect, so completely alien? Is ugliness the void you feel when you know that you are completely alone, or is it the ache in your heart when you know you have completely lost her due to your own mistakes? A backstabbing friend at work, or an unsolved homicide case in the city? The list goes on, but this question has definitely been answered – ugliness is everywhere. And people have given it plenty of names.

Why cant we as a people put down what we have “absorbed” through cultural rendering and really take a look at the things around us? Why cant we see the miracle in things that might not be, at first, pleasing to the eye? Isnt that one girl just as beautiful as the other? They are both breathing the gift of life, both beautiful crafted by the creator of the universe, and both designed with unique purposes in mind. If you would truly open your eyes, you would realize that not one reaches perfection, and we are all adorned with flaws – that our media has become so obsessed with beauty that it creates unrealistic images of it – “perfect” images of it, which end up being cut and paste versions of an actual model’s face – says that we have strayed far from the reality in which we live. Flaws should be celebrated. We are all beautifully different, all beautifully imperfect, and all beautifully cherished by our maker. So if he cherishes every single soul, regardless of how they might “look,” because he can see their true beauty reflected in their souls, then cannot we do the same? Go beyond and really recognize the beauty of things that are not? If only we could realize the opportunities and chances in life that this would open up to us as a whole. It would unshackle us from our slavery to the Image, and it would help us focus on more important things such as actually helping others.

So free your mind from your conventional ideas of beauty and ugliness and realize that everything has the spark of beauty in it.

Those who have eyes to see, let them see.

Talented people

In my life, God has blessed me with so much talent. From arts, to academics, to music, and more, my life is filled with God-given talents. I am SO thankful for this – I really dont know who I would be if I had never gotten involved in music because that IS who I am, for example.

On top of this, I am so thankful for all of the talented people God has put around me. While some may not think of themselves as talented in any one area, all my friends are so unique and gifted in one way or another. From physical prowess such as martial arts, to arts, photography, and music, to academics, to even emotional intelligence, and the list goes on. Looking around myself, I see the talent of our very Creator in the lives of his people, and how much more beautiful must his talents be for all of us to possess so great of gifts? I love being surrounded by these people because it reminds me to keep striving to do better in my own gifts and to always appreciate the gifts of others, no matter how great or small – EVERYONE has something to offer, and EVERYONE has a purpose on this planet that only they can fulfill.

Friends

What is a friend? People throw this term around so loosely nowadays that I think the true definition of it has become lost on us. Is it really someone that you have just met? Someone that you see every so often at a workplace or school, but not elsewhere? Or is it something more? Lets look at the definition of the word.

friend |frend|
noun
a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

Now Im not sure about you, but when I think of a mutual bond of affection, the people who I relate to at school are not the first ones that come to mind. Granted, I am not hateful towards them, nor hostile, and I sometimes look forward to seeing them because I am otherwise bored, but really – a mutual bond of affection? I am not sure I would go that far. Typically, another word better fits that category of people: acquaintance, or a person one knows slightly, but who is not a close friend. Now THAT makes much more sense for these friends whom you have shared some personal information, are on a first name basis, but that you dont really “do” things.

I recognize that to say there are only two categories of relationships that do not fall into the romantic level is ignorant, and I am not saying that. There are multiple levels of relationships, and even some grey areas. Other types of people I would consider are those “buddies” that you hang out with and have fun with, as well as those that you consult for advice because you trust them and their opinions, as well as those that you are the closest, that “friend” just doesnt come close to describing your level of intimacy with that person.

So on a scale or continuum, you might say that you can go from being a stranger, to an acquaintance, to a buddy, to an advisor, to a close friend.

I just happen to think that people mistake their acquaintances with their friends. I mean, with all the gratification that the American society demands of our lives these days, and for all its political correctness, it would be unfair or even mean to refer to someone as JUST an acquaintance.. right? Where are all of our true friends these days, those that we can really rely on in our moment of need, those that if we had a problem we could call up at three in the morning and vent to if needed? Those friends that would not care if you walked into their house and browsed their fridge because you are just that close?

Our society and culture has made it difficult to really grasp and appreciate and form those kinds of friendships with others because of how it leaves us vulnerable to others, and what worse condition to be in with another person? If they were to have power over our lives, it means that we are left powerless and if they were to ever hurt us, what would we be able to do about it? Theres that age old quote that goes something like this: “It is better to have loved and lost, than to not have known love at all.” That is something I truly believe but something for which I find a lack of in our culture. People are too afraid to let their true selves shine and really give themselves over to their friends around them.

This has just been something Ive been contemplating lately because of various happenings in my life. I was with some friends at the local Caribou the other day, and we were talking about music and discussing it, when one of them said that we three should get together and hang out some time. I replied that it would be fun since I generally do a lot of nothing in my free time, to which they laughed and agreed, saying I was either always at Caribou, school, work, or my sisters. “It’s true, I have no friends around here” was my reply, kind of laughing it off, especially after they both looked at me and said “Hello?”, but really, that is how I sometimes feel. Most all of my good friends have gone off to college and are in the process of making a new groups of friends that they hang out with, and while I have kept in contact with them and things remain fine with them, when there is a large distance between you, it makes it hard to remain close until they come home and you can catch up. What do you do in the interim? Yes, I have “friends” here at home that I have made in the absence of the rest of my friends. Yes I have a good bond of mutual affection with them. But I feel like I am at a loss for those really deep friendships at this present time. My friends I was with at Caribou are my friends, and they did mention the idea of hanging out, but realistically, if I were to ever want to hang out with any of these friends, it seems to me that I have to put in all the effort. I have to make the phone calls. I have to make the plans. I have to do the asking. Otherwise, they already have groups of close good friends that they generally talk to on a regular basis and hang out. I am not someone who really comes up to the forefront of their minds when they think on a random boring day, “Hmm, who should I call to hang out with?” And while that is fine and dandy, and I hold nothing against them for it, it makes my life a bit bland, and gives me an awful lot of time to “reflect” on my own life. If only friends could be better friends.